Chicago Mahou
by Alejandro Lee
Summary: Parody of Chicago featuring nothing BUT Ojamajo Doremi characters. All I can say is things will go horribly, horribly wrong. XD
1. Dramatis Personae

Chicago Mahou  
_______________________________  
  
A quasi-parody  
  
Chicago roles - Ojamajo Doremi characters  
  
(Note: some characters' roles overlap each other)  
  
Roxy Hart - Harukaze Doremi  
  
Velma Kelly - Segawa Onpu, Tamaki Reika  
  
Billy Flynn - Majorika, Akatsuki  
  
Amos Hart - Kotake Tetsuya  
  
Matron 'Mama' Morton - Seki-sensei  
  
Fred Casely - Igarashi  
  
Liz - Harukaze Poppu  
  
Bernie - Kimitaka*  
  
Annie - Tamaki Reika  
  
Ezekiel Young - Miyamoto Masaharu*  
  
June - Senoh(?) Aiko  
  
Wilbur - Leon*  
  
Katalin Helinszki/The Hunyak - Fujiwara Hazuki  
  
Abusive Uncle Sam - Fujio*  
  
Veronica - Segawa Miho*  
  
Charlie - Tohru(?)*  
  
Mona - Tamaki Reika, Asuka Momoko  
  
Alvin Lipshitz - (Manda?)*  
  
Kitty Baxter - Kudo Mutsumi  
  
Mary Sunshine - Shimakura Kaori  
  
Assistant District Attorney Martin Harrison - Rinno Masato, Akatsuki  
  
The Bandleader - Yada Masaru  
  
(* Is only mentioned or implied in this story)  
  
_______________________________  
  
(Also appearing: Maki, Yuki-sensei, Majoheart, Alexander T. Oyajide, Hasebe Takeshi, Koizumi Marina, Kimura Takao, Makihatayama Hana, Sagawa Yuji, Oota Yutaka, Sugiyama Toyokazu, Sato Jun, Ogura Kenji, Maruyama Miho and Yokokawa Nobuko)  
  
_______________________________  
  
NOTE: Whether you're a fan of the musical-turned-movie (©Miramax) this plot is based on, or the anime (©Toei) from whence I borrowed the characters, I'm certain you'll enjoy this. For those who are devoted fans of BOTH the musical/movie and anime ...um, PLEASE don't kill me over what you are about to read. ^_^; 


	2. Opening Number

The scene opens on darkness.  
  
[Silence.]  
  
The bandleader is SUPPOSED to announce the opening of the show ...but our man is nowhere to be found.  
  
A spotlight scans around until it finds said bandleader, YADA MASARU, who's reclining lazily against a wall with his eyes closed.  
  
MASARU: Find someone else to do it.  
  
A second spotlight opens on the stage, as if giving Masaru a silent order to get up there.  
  
MASARU: (yawn) Can't you see I'm busy not caring abou- GAH!!!  
  
The entire wall behind him bursts with white-hot flashbulbs that spell out "CHICAGO MAHOU". Poor, unsuspecting Masaru is hurled forward into an inconveniently placed orchestra pit. (Whether *Mister* Yada wants to or not, this story has begun.)  
  
*********CHICAGO MAHOU*********  
  
________________________________________________________________________  
  
Some dark red floodlights come up to reveal the stage in a nightclub  
  
MASARU: (looking fried and frizzled) Eh-heh-heh... ahem, ladies and gentleman, our first act of the evening: Ms. Segawa Onpu performing a duet number alone- because, well, she's just that good. Muh-uhh (belches out a puff of smoke and falls over, unconscious).  
  
____________________________________  
  
A trapdoor in the stage slides open- SEGAWA ONPU daintily arises from the aperture. [She's dressed in her witch outfit from season one.] The orchestra strikes up a lively jazz tune and the number begins:  
  
[Musical parody of "All That Jazz"]  
  
ONPU: (singing)  
Come on, babe  
Why don't we cast a spell?  
And rhythm tap...!  
  
I'm gonna sport my dress  
  
Before the final bell  
  
And rhythm tap...!  
  
Climb aboard  
  
The Majokai awaits  
  
Where the flan is cold  
  
But the taiyaki bakes  
  
It's the place you can test  
  
Your musical best  
  
And rhy-thm... tap!  
  
____________________________________  
  
While the music and partying goes on, the attention now shifts to a girl in the audience, HARUKAZE DOREMI, as she shyly inches towards the boy of her waking dreams.  
  
DOREMI: Igarashi-kun... I- I was hoping to see you again. There's something- something important I need to tell you.  
  
The older lad sitting on the barstool remains quiet.  
  
DOREMI: (gulps) Y-you must know that you alone hold this schoolgirl's heart captive. You must know you're the only one for me!  
  
Igarashi still says nothing. That's probably because Doremi was standing 20 feet away and doesn't have his attention in the slightest bit.  
  
DOREMI: (to herself) This is the part where he says, "Yes, yes Doremi-chan, I do-"  
  
IGARASHI: Maki-san! I've been waiting for you!  
  
A young girl, about the same age as him, shows up. He greets her with a kiss.  
  
DOREMI: (snaps back to reality) ...EHH??!  
  
____________________________________  
  
ONPU: (singing)  
Find some beads  
  
And throw away your chores  
  
And rhythm tap...!  
  
It's fun and games  
  
When you've got the source  
  
And rhythm tap...!  
  
Grab your broom  
We're gonna sweep the sky  
  
And cast that evil homework  
  
Beyond an eagle's eye  
  
'Cause in the stratosphere  
  
How can it interfere?  
  
So rhythm tap...!  
  
____________________________________  
  
MAKI: Igarashi-kun... this place is awful loud. Do you know where we can have more privacy?  
  
Still watching from afar, Doremi squeezes her eyes shut; she also clasps her hands together in prayer.  
  
DOREMI: Don't say yes, don't say yes, don't say...  
  
IGARASHI: Hai, I know a place we can go.  
  
The cute couple leaves, hand-in-hand.  
  
DOREMI: (eyes are like twin waterfalls) WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO MEEE...?  
  
____________________________________  
  
ONPU: (singing)  
Do- the funky chicken as a cockatoo  
  
And rhythm tap!  
  
Do- a little hotfoot 'cause you're a kangaroo  
  
And rhythm tap!  
  
Doremi mutters some unkind words under her breath at the purple-haired performer before lurching out of the nightclub.  
  
ONPU: (singing)  
Twirl- into a magical stage  
  
Hurl- away that minimum wage  
  
Your daily life  
  
Can barely suffice  
  
So rhy-thm... tap...  
  
____________________________________  
  
[Cut to a nearby run-down building.]  
  
Returning to her one-room apartment, Doremi wallows in self-pity. Once again, the fact that she's in the ass-end of society has come back to haunt her.  
  
DOREMI: Once again, the fact that I exist in the ass-end of society has come back to-  
  
There is a crashing noise outside followed by heavy footsteps. In a panicked flurry, Igarashi bursts in through the door of Doremi's room/apartment. No Maki though.  
  
IGARASHI: You gotta hide me, Miss! Maki-san and I were just having a private moment in the hall and suddenly this scary old lady came out of nowhere and began freaking on us!  
  
A harsh, angry voice is heard from down the hall.  
  
SCARY OLD LADY (think Majocloth-scary): I'll show YOU old...!  
  
Doremi just sits, blinking ...and then she realizes good fortune has come her way.  
  
DOREMI: Yoouush!!! I knew-! I knew this day would come!!  
  
IGARASHI: Um...?  
  
With swift precision, Doremi reaches into her bureau drawer and pulls out a fancy-looking pinkish-transparent stick. The whole thing happens so quickly, it's almost like she's rehearsed this maneuver hundreds and hundreds of times. Hmm...  
  
DOREMI: (waving the stick) Pirika piralala poporetu peperuto! Let Igarashi- kun's heart belong to Doremi!  
  
Unfortunately... the magic spell took Doremi's words a little TOO literally and-  
  
____________________________________  
  
[Cut to an outside shot of the apartment building.]  
  
DOREMI: (from within) Er, what's this soggy thing in my hands? ...GAH! EWWW!!!  
  
____________________________________  
  
[Back at the nightclub.]  
  
ONPU: (singing)  
No, it's not a dumb myth  
Oh, my life's a plum with  
That rhythm taaaaap...!  
  
That tap!  
  
[End of song]  
  
The applause is cut short when a dozen police officers storm into the nightclub. Entering right behind the cops is the city's assistant district attorney, RINNO MASATO.  
  
MASATO: Segawa Onpu! You are under arrest for suspicion of murder using mahou!  
  
Everyone in the club gasps when they hear this.  
  
Then there is awkward silence.  
  
MASARU: (plays a "Bum, Bum, BUMMM" on his trumpet ...albeit poorly)  
  
____________________________________  
  
[To be continued.] 


	3. Love and Devotion

[Cut back to the apartment]  
  
The cops are all over Doremi's room as well. KOTAKE TETSUYA- Doremi's meal ticket- ...er, I mean her roommate- is being interviewed for evidence. [Yeah. Roommate ...that is what I meant to say.]  
  
TETSUYA: Like I was saying, officer, I showed up and stopped the intruder.  
  
COP: You mean to tell me you killed this guy in self-defense?  
  
TETSUYA: Yes-sir. I was rightfully protecting my home.  
  
COP: ...by ripping his still beating heart right out of his rib cage...?  
  
TETSUYA: ...er, yes?  
  
Doremi stoops sullenly in the corner. She tries her best not to think about the terrible screw-up of hers and, absent-mindedly, begins eavesdropping on the chatter between Tetsuya and the cop.  
  
DOREMI: (thinking) Na, waitaminute, Kotake-kun's actually doing something for me?  
  
All lights in the room dim except one on Doremi and one on Tetsuya  
  
MASARU: For her first number this evening, Miss Harukaze Doremi would like to sing a song of love and devotion, dedicated to her occasionally platonic roommate, Kotake Tetsuya. (Under his breath) *Pfft* BOR-ING.  
  
[Musical parody of "Funny Honey"]  
  
DOREMI: (singing)  
  
Sometimes I whine  
  
Sometimes I pout  
  
He doesn't mind  
  
He'll hear me out  
  
It's what he does  
  
That bloomy roomie I've got  
  
Sometimes I sprain  
  
Sometimes I fall  
  
He'll carry me  
  
Like nothing at all  
  
It's what he does  
  
My bloomy roomie he's called  
  
He ain't no bish  
  
That voice grates like a fish  
  
And lord knows he leaves the seat raised  
  
But look at that soul  
  
You know he'll stay gold  
  
And that makes up for how  
  
He'll never wash his face  
  
And if you knew him like me  
  
I know you'd agree  
  
What if the world  
  
Called me a witch?  
  
Well, he'd kick their butts  
  
Every scum, every snitch  
  
It's what he does  
  
And I shan't complain  
  
That croon-y, looney, bloomy  
  
Roommate I've gained!  
  
TETSUYA: It's a good thing I came home in time when I did. Something could've happened to my roommate, know what I mean? Something?  
  
COP: No, I don't know what you mean.  
  
TETSUYA: Humph, mama's boy.  
  
COP 2: Sir, we were able to identify the victim. "Igarashi" was the guy's name.  
  
TETSUYA: "Igarashi"? You mean Captain of the soccer team Igarashi? Why, that's impossible! I see him every Saturday… the guy's been... mentoring me for a year... and all this time I've been covering for that Bowling-Ball Head murderer over there!?  
  
DOREMI: (singing, getting increasingly mad)  
  
Now he's blabbing away- buu, buu, BUU I say!  
  
Look at him go- tattling on me  
  
Why, with just one more inch,  
  
What a BROOM-HEAD he'd be!!  
  
TETSUYA: (ticked off) Boy she really played me for a fool! To think I'd be the one to take the blame!  
  
DOREMI: (singing/screaming)  
  
If they fry me alive  
  
I know who'll bring rice cakes and tots  
  
That gloomy, doom-y, BROOM-y  
  
Roomie I've gooooot!!  
  
[End of song]  
  
COP 1: (to Tetsuya) So now you're saying you *didn't* ice the guy?  
  
TETSUYA: (rapidly shaking his head) Of-of course not! It was all Dojimi's doing! I mean, sure, I guess now that Igarashi is dead I'll finally get promoted to captain of the team, and quite frankly, it seems weird that my room mate would have had anything to gain... from... killing... him.  
  
Pause.  
  
TETSUYA: (slaps forehead) ...baka.  
  
COP 2: Hey chief, look at this.  
  
The cop lifts one of the bed mattresses to reveal the magic wand.  
  
COP 1: Okay, Bonnie and Clyde, we've heard all we needed to hear. You are BOTH under arrest for suspicion of murder using mahou!  
  
TETSUYA: N-nani!?  
  
Doremi and Tetsuya are cuffed and dragged out of the room, kicking and screaming ...that is they're kicking and screaming at each other.  
  
DOREMI: Kotake! I'll make you pay for ratting on me!  
  
TETSUYA: ME?? They'd better give you the guillotine for this, Dojimi! THE GUILLONTINE!!  
  
[Fade out]  
  
____________________________________  
  
[To be continued.] 


End file.
